My dating debacles have caused me to do some serious self-reflection. After countless heartbreaks and disappointments, I stepped back and asked, “Would I date myself?” The question allowed me to not only note my strengths but also any flaws that can be changed and those that can’t. I pointed out what I bring to a relationship and what men may silently notice in me that makes them back off. I’m not saying that I’m always the cause of things not working out, but I’m fully aware that I play a role in my relationship woes. This exercise showed me that I have to work on deep-rooted issues from childhood and past dating experiences that aren’t easy to shake.
A lot of men I’ve dated have pointed out my shyness. They would say it to me as if it was going to hinder our budding relationship in some way. When I thought about it, I saw their point. My shyness keeps me from being bold or fearless when I should be. There’s nothing wrong with being reserved, but at certain times a man likes when a woman is unabashed. I’m working on it.
Something I had to admit to myself was I’m insecure. No matter who I’m dealing with, I have this notion that there is someone out there who will snatch their attention. I unconsciously believe I’m not good enough to keep them and fear losing them one day. Not getting a call or text makes my insecure mind wander off into a place of despair. Growing up, all I was told was that I was undesirable. As an adult, I’m still trying to destroy that destructive belief.
Those damaging thoughts have followed me from childhood. I was bullied until high school and the teasing and verbal assaults have left me scarred. A million men can tell me that I’m beautiful, but it’s still hard to believe. Probably because I’m still learning to love the skin I’m in. I may not look like the typical Instagram baddie, but there is still much to be loved and admired. As an adult, I can still hear the insults from my peers and remember how embarrassed I used to feel as the butt of so many jokes. The ugly things that were said to me weren’t and aren’t true, but it’s still hard to convince myself of that.
I also have to work on getting rid of a bad habit I never saw as a problem: the inability to forgive. Once someone does something I see as unacceptable, I cut them off. My reasoning: “why allow someone to stay in my life after they’ve shown me they’re inconsiderate?” While I still have deal breakers, I’m slowly learning that people deserve second chances. I even deserve them sometimes. Letting someone know how their words or actions make you feel gives them a chance to address the situation and you a chance to let your anger go. I’m understanding now that forgiveness helps me more than the other person. Plus, learning to forgive will keep me from pushing someone away that could be an asset to my life.
I’m not too sure of how to address all of my struggles but I’m ready to do the work. Not just because I want to have a successful relationship, but so I can also be more comfortable with myself and more self-assured.
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