Last night I called my dad and he was pleasantly surprised to hear my voice. “I didn’t think you were going to call me ever again,” he said referencing a mini-argument we had when we last spoke a couple of weeks ago.

I don’t recall what led to the following statement from my dad, all I know is my world stopped once I heard him say: “I told Nigel he doesn’t have to only date Black girls.” Nigel is my 16-year-old little brother.

“Why would you tell him that?” I asked in shocked.

“I don’t know if you know this, but your brother has some really bad views of white people. He says some really terrible things sometimes.”

“Okay…” I replied, still waiting for an explanation that justified his fatherly advice.

“As much as we need Black families right now you go and tell him that?” I asked

“Well, I know that. But I also think there are a lot of things you can learn from other cultures…”

“That’s fine, but that doesn’t mean you have to date someone of a different race to experience or learn from other cultures,” I said cutting my dad off.

From there we went back and forth trying, unsuccessfully, to convince the other of our point of view, with my dad saying he simply didn’t want my brother to limit himself as a result of some of the negative images around him and me telling him there are other ways of doing that without implying “go get yourself a white girl.” Eventually my dad told me he wasn’t trying to upset me and we got off the phone. I was upset though, not so much at the thought of my brother dating someone other than a Black girl but at my dad for feeling the need to encourage that behavior.

I should point out here that my mom is Black and so is my younger brother’s mom. I don’t know my dad to have ever dated outside his race himself, and this is the same man who asked me whether I think our family has a colorism issue because everyone is light-skinned except for my uncle’s new wife. I know his heart was in the right place when he gave my brother that not-so-sage advice, but his head? It had checked out.

But then I had to remember a basic truth about my dad: He’s a Black man. And (some) Black men will never understand what it’s like to get the message that they can go somewhere else and find the same thing Black women can offer. Of course it’s a fallacy, but that doesn’t make it any less painful to hear expressed and I know it’s that angst that fueled my disgust at what my dad told my brother. No, I don’t want my brother to hate all white people or paint them all with the same racist brush as they often do us, but correcting that is far less of a priority in my book than my desire for him to love, respect, and appreciate Black women.

I told my dad I was going to text my little brother when we got off the phone and tell him he better get himself a Black girl (although from the looks of his Instagram I don’t need to do that). And I haven’t — yet — but my conversation with my dad did lead to a different revelation. My brother and I didn’t grow up in the same household and our age difference makes it difficult for us to find ways to connect. But now I figure if no one else is exposing him to the beauty that is Black women, or explicitly telling him about it, I’ll make it my job to be an example so he has no desire to actively seek out women of other races for fulfillment. If he naturally ends up with someone of a different culture, so be it. But that’s not a seed I find necessary to plant.

Would you encourage your children to date outside their race?

The post Serious Question: Should You Encourage Your Children To Date Outside Their Race? appeared first on MadameNoire.

While some people are trying to get their last workouts in before summer comes a knockin’, others know the importance of exercising consistently. In order to do that comfortably, you need to have the right gear. And while you can wing the shirts you wear (all those free T-shirts are just begging to be pulled out of the drawer), you can’t play when it comes to workout bottoms. If you’ve ever worn pants that consistently slip down while you work out, then I’m sure you understand.

But there is no one pair of pants perfect for every workout. Compression pants are amazing for holding your goods in and keeping things from jiggling. Crops are a must-have for when it’s hot outside. Yoga pants are comfy and great to use for, obviously, yoga. Joggers are dope for runs, strength training or activities following your workout. And long shorts are oh so necessary for a run or to rock underneath your favorite loose and light shorts. Knowing all of that, we provided you with all of the aforementioned bottom options. They’re essential pants for every workout and you can find them in all sorts of designs and costs. But here are five specific styles that we’re digging and we think you will too.

1. Nike Power Legendary Printed Compression Training Leggings $64

2. Danskin Now Women’s 9″ Compression Shorts With Wicking Properties $12

3. Old Navy Go-Dry Mid-Rise Compression Mesh-Panel Crops for Women $30

4. Champion Women’s Jogger Sweatpants $35

5. Victoria Sport Anytime Yoga Pant $40

The post The Right Bottoms To Reach The Top: 5 Workout Bottoms Every Woman Needs appeared first on MadameNoire.

While indulging in some of the threads on Lipstick Alley this afternoon, I ran across one in particular that caught my attention. It was titled, “People keep saying that Bey is ‘doing the most’ with these pregnancy pics.”

It was an interesting thing to me because, in all honesty, there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference between the type of images Beyoncé shared on Instagram pre-pregnancy and what she’s doing right now. It’s just that the singer, once extraordinarily private, specifically about her marriage and family, has, over the years, decided to open up big time. She likely realized that in the age of social media, a star who has built themselves into a brand can’t afford to be too reclusive in order to exercise the most influence. And whether you like her or not, Bey is incredibly influential. Also, once you embrace this social media thing, it can become addictive.

Not to mention that during her first pregnancy, so many people went out of their way to claim that she wasn’t carrying her own child. Aside from being spotted moving from car to venue and doing an occasional interview, at that time, Beyoncé moved out of the spotlight. Now that she’s staying in it, maybe as an F-U to her detractors, she’s being accused of doing “too much.”

But it’s not just the folks who hide out in social media comments and web site threads saying these things. Earlier this week I was watching a new talk show on E! called Daily Pop News where the hosts discuss all things pop culture. One of the topics they talked about in the first episode on Monday was Beyoncé being spotted courtside with Jay Z at the Game 7 Clippers vs. Jazz bout in L.A. and her appearance at the Wearable Art Gala. The consensus from the hosts seemed to be that Beyonce “looks miserable” and that she obviously doesn’t realize it’s ok to go home and rest as a pregnant woman. Because seeing a woman heavily pregnant with twins out in public is obviously too much for folks…

I’m not even a huge Beyoncé fan (though if I saw her in public I might lose it nonetheless), but some criticisms of the singer, to me, are just ridiculous. And this issue, of how she chooses to embrace and celebrate a truly beautiful time in her life, is one of them. Let her be great!

As a woman who has miscarried, to now be pregnant with two children is a blessing that should be commemorated in whatever way she deems acceptable. If she wants to go to every event, share every picture, show you every sonogram or hit all of the red carpets with swollen feet to do that, leave her to do that. It’s her choice, just as we have a choice to look or look away.

I think many of us have forgotten just how important of a life event welcoming a child into the world is for many people. It changes women who never babysat, were excited about or thought about kids into the most protective mothers. It moves some women to a point where they give up their work to focus solely on raising a family. Hell, it seemingly changed Joseline Hernandez (not her wardrobe, but her penchant for drama at least). So because we don’t know the experiences of the women who go on to carry and give birth (as in, walk in their shoes), including Beyoncé, it’s not right to say that whether they’re choosing to have a photo shoot every day or being exceptionally private about bringing their kids out in public that they’re doing “too much.” That’s their baby, and that’s their business. Find your own and mind your own.

Image via Splash 

The post Let Beyoncé Do “The Most” appeared first on MadameNoire.

Back in January, we reported that MC Lyte had a man that she thought she was gon love forever.

She introduced her boo thang, John, to the world via an Instagram post.

And it seems like her hunch was right. Because, just a few months later, the two are engaged.

MC Lyte shared the news during a recent sit down with Essence. And they had a couple of questions.

What got you to the place where you were ready for love?

Just being alone, being single in Los Angeles, California. That is a hard thing to do for a Black woman, to date and it be authentic and true. So I think when you’re present and you’re aware, it opens you up. And I found my fiance online.

On her journey

“Had I had it to do all over again, I probably would have built the foundation for a strong relationship first, prior to MC Lyte. Getting whisked away with all that MC Lyte is, it took me away from the reality of important it is to have a significant other. So I would just advise all of the women who have their paper straight and not the man, to start paying attention to that. And vice versa.”

Advice to other women

Bring the best you and to work on yourself continuously. And then also to be open. There’s so much baggage we bring from other relationships.

When did she know he was the one?

It was one day while we were talking and I kind of looked in his eyes and I was like ‘Oh my God, so much honesty and truth in his eyes.’ My biggest thing with dating ever was the ability to be open and I can totally just let go with him.

What does she love about him?

I love his laugh, I love his candor and I love his eyes. His eyes I feel like I could look into them for an eternity.

You can watch the video announcement below.

Congratulations to both she and John!

The post MC Lyte Announces Her Engagement appeared first on MadameNoire.

It’s that time of year again, you know the time when a panel of experts decide which two strangers should not only commit themselves to one another in holy matrimony, they should also have the entire process filmed for the masses to enjoy.

Y’all already know we love “Married At First Sight” around here. And since we’re Black, we’re particularly interested to see if the Black couples find a way to make it work every season. Unfortunately, up until now they have not. Not Monet and Vaughn, not Vanessa and Tres, so now we’re holding out hope for Nathan and Sheila.

To be honest, I thought the experts effed up when they paired a 31-year-old woman with a 25-year-old man. The stereotypes we’ve learned about men are often true y’all, the maturity rate is slower. And from the wedding episode, judging by the behavior of Nathan’s parents, especially his Daddy, it wasn’t hard to assume that he might follow in their footsteps.

But after last night’s episode, it was clear that Nathan exhibited the more adult conflict management skills.

From the honeymoon episode, it seemed like Nathan and Sheila started out on the right foot. The two were obviously attracted to one another from jump and they decided to consummate their marriage. And though Sheila was quick to let the cameras and the world know that she hadn’t had an orgasm and Nate didn’t exactly give her one that night either, they went into the next day feeling good. But from the looks of things, Nate driving a little too fast on the jet skis set her off. And by a little too fast, I mean the jet ski tipped over sending both of them into the water.

The way the crew edited the episode, it seemed that that event was what set Sheila off. She said she expected the ride to be more calm. And later at the pool, she explained that there are going to be times when their energy levels don’t match and he can’t expect her to always meet him where he is. While the footage didn’t show Sheila saying anything about compromise or her trying to match his energy level, it was a valid conversation. But I started giving her the side eye when she seemed to completely shut down at dinner. I mean, she wasn’t talking to him, giving short one word answers, wearing a bit of a pout.

I say Nathan was the bigger adult in the situation because instead of returning her energy, or being equally pissy, he responded by being even more kind and loving. Which helped to bring Sheila out of the funk.

To be fair, on her Instagram and Twitter pages, Sheila explained that it wasn’t the jet ski incident that dampened her mood. In fact, she called their time on the jet skis a highlight of their honeymoon. Instead, she said it was a lot of the behind the scenes stuff that zapped her energy, which is why she was being so distant. And she thanked Nathan for being so kind while she was on some other stuff.

Pure exhaustion, working between takes, and acclimating to the TV world was definitely taking a toll… my energy was so low, but Nate was kind and patient! Thank YOU for being exactly what I needed! ❤️ @nateduey

A post shared by Sheila Downs (@happyfromwithin) on May 4, 2017 at 7:26pm PDT

So they’re good with one another. But I’m writing this because I reacted so strongly to that part of the episode. “I can’t stand that shut down sh*t.” My sister, who was watching with me, turned and looked at me like, ‘Ooo, you ok?!” Because clearly that strong of a reaction wasn’t directed at Sheila, a stranger I just so happen to watch on TV, it had a lot to do with past experience. And the feeling of pure dejection you feel when you try to get the person you love out of a funk.

I remember this man I was dating, came to visit me in the city one week. For anyone who lives in New York, you know what type of pressure and anxiety an out of town visitor can cause. You want them to see the best NYC has to offer, you want to be a good host, make sure that they go home feeling like you put them onto something new. So in that spirit, when I got an email from work offering two free Miguel tickets for a night when I had absolutely nothing planned, I jumped at the opportunity. Not only was former boo a big fan of Miguel, it was free. And these were media passes, so I knew the tickets would be poppin’.

But as y’all know, things happen. My connect, who had both my name and the tickets assigned to them, was running late. So when I tried to check in at the door, access was promptly denied. And while I wasn’t thrilled about it, I guess it embarrassed him because he immediately went into shut down mode. Short, one word responses, staring off instead of looking at me, and being generally silent. Now, keep in mind, we weren’t kicked out of any club. We were just ushered to another section of the venue while I called my connect and waited for her to come through with the tickets, which were legit. Literally, within twenty minutes, we were sitting front and center, looking up at Miguel.

And after the high of Miguel singing directly to me, and having him confirm that fact when we got to meet him afterward, I asked old boo, why he slipped into a mood.

“You were pretty upset while we were waiting for the tickets. You weren’t talking to me. You kind of shut down.”

And instead of him offering an apology for his poor behavior or showing even a semblance of embarrassment, he said, “Yeah, that happens sometimes.”

And that was it.

Even after I reminded him that even if we never got into the concert, it was free for him, that was all he had to say.

Y’all I’m not here to pretend that I don’t ever slip into my feelings and behave irrationally. Hell, I’m not even going to pretend that I always apologize for my bad behavior. I try to but I don’t 100 percent of the time. But, to this day, I can’t understand why homeboy was so pressed about the possibility of not getting into this concert, especially when he didn’t spend a red cent, outside of the subway fare, to attend. Especially since we were only there because of my job. And especially because the experience ended up exceeding both of our expectations.

To me, that’s just not the way you show gratitude when some gifts or gives you something.

But even more importantly, in the years since that relationship ended, and I’ve had time to evaluate the things that happened, that incident always stands out so clearly in my mind as the time I found him the most unappealing, the type of behavior I did.not.want. to experience again.

So I write this as both a cautionary tale and a reminder to myself not to slip into a toddler-like funk and if I do, to apologize for that behavior because it doesn’t solve anything and it certainly is far from attractive.

Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days.” You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

The post Married At First Sight & A Cautionary Tale On Shutting Down When Ish Goes Left appeared first on MadameNoire.

Naomi Campbell has conquered just about everything she’s tried. That includes modeling and entertainment. But there is one thing she wants to try that she has not had the chance to so far: motherhood.

The 46-year-old supermodel spoke to the Evening Standard about this while being interviewed about philanthropic work she’s doing with orphans in Kenya. She told the publication that she often thinks about having children. However, she hasn’t made that leap because she isn’t in a relationship. To those who might say that the window is closing to the beauty when it comes to the possibility of giving birth, Campbell doesn’t believe that’s true.

“I think about having children all the time,” she said, “but now, with the way science is, I think I can do it when I want.”

Whenever she does have a kid, Campbell wants to ensure that there will be a man in her life, romantic or otherwise, to help in rearing her child.

“I do want a father figure,” she told the publication. “I think it’s important.”

Just last year Campbell talked to the Sunday Times about the possibility of having kids. Her stance was similar. She said she would like to do it and will do so when she’s ready.

“Well, I’m not saying I won’t have children,” Campbell said in 2016. “I could have children. I just don’t know which way I’ll have children.”

She continued, “But I think I’ll have children, everyone thinks I’ll be a good mother. I’ve always considered it. I’ll just do it when I’m ready. I’m not rushing to anyone’s drumbeat, I’m going to my own.”

Image via WENN

The post Naomi Campbell, 46, On Motherhood: “I Think About Having Children All The Time” appeared first on MadameNoire.

I love makeup, and I can’t even express my gratitude for brands like Urban Decay who make liquid lipsticks that actually do outlast my breakfast smoothie and even lunch. But when it’s late, you’re tired, and all you want to do is go to bed, there is nothing worse than trying to remove one of those babies. I legit bruised my lip a couple of weekends ago when I tried out all those different Special Effects Topcoats in one day (which was partially my fault because I was only using a tissue but still, you know it’s rough out here).

Thankfully, Urban Decay feels our pain (which is sometimes literal) and they’ve launched an entire Meltdown Makeup Remover line to make taking off your waterproof makeup, from foundation to mascara and everything in between, a breeze. And you have options — from a spray to sticks — for choosing how you want to take it all off at the end of the night.

• Dissolving Spray ($26) – This powerful, yet gentle spray starts working on contact to instantly dissolve makeup without rubbing, tugging and pulling. Just spray onto a cotton ball and wipe away makeup with a swipe. 
• Cleansing Oil Stick ($26) – If you want to ensure makeup removal with as little mess as possible, this cleansing oil stick is the way to go. The balm transforms from liquid oil to microfoam as it gently dissolves makeup. All you have to do is apply directly on dry skin and massage gently until the product melts into a liquid form. Splash with water, massage into a lather, then rinse. I used this the other night and my makeup easily dissolved and my skin felt great afterward.
• Lip Oil Stick ($15) – This is the product liquid lipstick lovers have been waiting on. The oil-based formula of this stick helps break down waterproof lipstick easily without leaving lips feeling oily. Just apply the stick all over lips, wipe off, and repeat if necessary.

All of the removal agents contain vitamin E to replenish skin and leave it feeling soft after taking off the day’s makeup. And they’re a great first step for your nighttime cleansing regimen which you could continue with Urban Decay’s new Makeup Prep Line. The collection is geared toward cleaning skin and keeping it in optimal condition for makeup application. It includes the exfoliating cleanser Pretty Gritty Skin Polish ($28); a Prep Pore Refining Peel ($26) mask; a lightweight Hot Springs Hydrating Gel ($28); and Lip Love ($15), a moisturizing balm to soothe and hydrate lips.

The post Finally, There’s A Product To Easily Remove Those Long-Lasting Liquid Lipsticks We Love appeared first on MadameNoire.

Congratulations to our 2017 Miss Black University of Texas! We thank our lovely contestants, as well as everyone else who came to support!👌🏽 pic.twitter.com/yEva52wpSp

— Iota Delta NUPEs (@ID_NUPEs) May 2, 2017

Y’all it’s hard being a Black woman outchea. You’re either too Black or not Black enough. Two years ago, Ariana Miyamoto, with her Black father and Japanese mother, was too Black to be named Miss. Japan. And now, two years later, Rachael Malonson is apparently not Black enough to be named Miss Black University of Texas.

Malonson is biracial, with a Black father and White mother. And she was crowned Miss. Black UT by the historically Black fraternity Kappa Alpha Psi.

When the fraternity announced the winner and shared her picture on social media, it was met with backlash, including folks questioning whether not she, with her lighter skin complexion and straight hair, had even been able to relate to the Black experience. Then there were others who found it interesting that the Kappas chose the lightest girl in the room to wear the crown.

@avuitton_ @afrolatinababe @ID_NUPEs @RachaelMalonson @WhatUpDoeDoe @Emma_mattie @nyleswashington @Davidallen_3 she’s clearly the lightest, damn near white looking “black woman” & she won over the others. quit playing dumb guys. it looks sketchy

— chocolate drop 🍫✨ (@_ColeWorldShwty) May 3, 2017

@avuitton_ @gwenmcdonald1 @ID_NUPEs @RachaelMalonson @WhatUpDoeDoe @Emma_mattie @nyleswashington @Davidallen_3 You can be black genetically and never navigate this world as a black person. But that’s just me pic.twitter.com/lnhIqMgCk0

— Chris👸🏿🇨🇩 (@christellecraze) May 3, 2017

@ID_NUPEs @RachaelMalonson @WhatUpDoeDoe @Emma_mattie @nyleswashington @Davidallen_3 I doubt she has ever dealt with some of the harsh realities of what it actually means to be “black” but Congrats 🎊

— GabLon Don (@nue_york) May 4, 2017

Then of course, there were those who saw the light and called people out for their exclusion of Malonson.

@ID_NUPEs @RachaelMalonson @WhatUpDoeDoe @Emma_mattie @nyleswashington @Davidallen_3 All that woke intersectional black feminist anti-colorism rainbow shit went straight out the window in these mentions 😂😂😂

— Wizzy Womack (@WizzyDizzymite) May 3, 2017

Then there were those with questions.

@Davidallen_3 @ID_NUPEs @RachaelMalonson @WhatUpDoeDoe @Emma_mattie @nyleswashington That’s exactly what I thought, https://t.co/emEuRtK5WK wasn’t saying she was the best black person, it was just the title she won. Thanks.

— alantra. (@STOPtheBeez) May 3, 2017

Seeing that his sister was being targeted in this way, her brother Gregory stepped forward to defend her.

Interestingly enough, Malonson herself anticipated some of this backlash. She told USA Today College,

“I wasn’t sure if I would even place in the pageant because I wasn’t sure they would think I was ‘black enough’. I chose to do the pageant to gain a deeper inner confidence before I graduate, while breaking stereotypes that black people or mixed-race people have to look a certain way.”

Still, when she saw the tweets and comments about her win, she was still a bit shocked.

“At first, it really caught me off guard because I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. Then I realized I could use this as an opportunity and platform to break down the stereotypes that black people have to look a certain way to be accepted.”

I can understand where people are coming from. Light skinned Black women experience quite a bit of privilege in our country. And I don’t think the Kappas or anyone else should attempt to deny that undeniable fact. Still, as someone mentioned the crowning of Malonson as Miss Black UT doesn’t mean she’s the quintessential Black woman or a representation of what Blackness should be. And pageants are problematic for that very reason. Because far too often, there is so much focus on the looks of the contestant, even when a competitor is worthy, it’s the looks that are so prominently showcased, that people can’t focus on anything else.

I don’t know how the Kappas at UT do things, but from what I recall from our Black Pageants at my university, the contestants had to be involved in campus activities. (For the record, Malonson is the Vice President of the University’s chapter of National Association of Black Journalists. And researched the lack of racial diversity in the media for her service platform.) They had to perform community service, answer questions appropriately and, let’s be honest, raise money for either the event or the fraternity itself. And in exchange, they get a scholarship. From the picture the fraternity tweeted, we don’t know which requirements Rachael and her opponents met and which ones they did not. Again, the focus is on her looks, and in this case her light skin.

Furthermore, it’s so interesting to me that people only want to qualify you as Black based on the level of struggle your life has included. Yes, oppression is also an undeniable fact of the Black American experience for many people but I refuse to accept it is an essential part of what it means to be Black. And it’s not fair to use it as a qualifier.

To what someone pointed out earlier, in the same way we can’t talk about Black Lives Matter and exclude gay or trans people, we can’t do that same with biracial folk who are willing to not only acknowledge their Blackness but to also fight for it. We can’t decide to claim certain Black people at one point (looking at all the Barack Obama voters) and then decide other, less prominent biracial folks aren’t good enough to sit at the table.

Veronica Wells is the culture editor at MadameNoire.com. She is also the author of “Bettah Days.” You can follow her on Facebook and on Instagram and Twitter @VDubShrug.

The post Miss Black University of Texas Winner Accused Of Not Being Black Enough appeared first on MadameNoire.

It’s been a little over a year, and a half since the trending hashtag #OscarsSoWhite not only pointed out the lack of people of color on-screen and behind-the-scenes in the film industry, but it also highlighted the need for diversity in all forms of media, period. Although the call to action to diversify media and entertainment had humble beginnings starting on social media as a hashtag, the message was strong and resonated loud and clear across networks, production houses, entertainment unions and guilds, traditional media, new media and more.

Forums such as the popular annual entertainment gala, Vulture Festival are very cognizant of inclusion and accessibility to all in order to create entertainment that reflects diverse perspectives, cultures, and people. This year the festival has a talent lineup that leaves no stone unturned when it comes to unique POVs.

MadameNoire will be particularly interested in covering The Carmichael Show Tackles The Issues Of The Day. The entire cast will be live to discuss and debate the hot-button issues facing us daily and we can almost guarantee the topics of race and diversity in America and in media will come up. We’re interested to see how cast responds to the specific questions posed.

A few other events from the festival on our wishlist to attend are Claws and Cocktails and Feminist AF (yes, we love Roxane Gay). If you live in the tri-city area or plan to be here the weekend of May 20-21, 2017 go check out Vulture Festival and be emersed in the world of everything that’s hot in entertainment right now.

The post Is Diversity In TV And Film Here To Stay? appeared first on MadameNoire.

A girlfriend and I went to a very fun picnic in the park this past Saturday. The temperature was fantastic and you know your girl had on a crop top! The outing was actually a photo walk event where people who follow a certain Instagram account come together to take great photographs — of one another, the scenery, whatever comes into view. I went along just to enjoy the weather, but my friend went not only to take some shots but to shoot her shot with potential prospects of the opposite sex. There were quite a few handsome men there, including a guy she’d previously talked to, albeit briefly. Despite looking like a 35-year-old who just so happens to have a salt and pepper beard, the guy is actually 53. I couldn’t believe it. My friend, in her early 30s, was really into him, but when she first started getting to know him, he was entering into a relationship with a woman closer to his age. But by the time we saw him this past weekend, he was single and ready to mingle.

They did some chatting back and forth following the event and ended up having a very interesting conversation about age. It makes sense that a man who is 53 would have a child, or hell, a couple of children — possibly of adult age. But my friend was taken aback when she learned that this guy had a daughter who was her exact age.

It came out while they were joking about him possibly forgetting her name. He blamed it on the fact that he was “old,” and she replied that he could have fooled her and anyone else because he doesn’t look it. That’s when he asked her age. When she told him he casually said, “Oh, my daughter Tia is turning 32 next month.” She didn’t know what to think. “Omg! What is my life?!” to be specific.

While she didn’t explicitly say that it would be an issue for her, she definitely felt like it was weird, the idea of dating a man with a child her age.

When I posed the question to my co-workers, asking if they would do it, one emphatically said “No!” The other raised her eyebrow, sat back in her chair to think for a second and replied, “How fine is he?”

For me, it would also likely be a no. I have a friend whose father dated a girl our age for a couple of years, and based on the way said friend and her sisters treated that relationship and looked at that young woman, it just seems like more trouble than it’s worth.

A young woman wrote about her experience dating a man with multiple daughters around her age, and all of the ways their relationship was looked at by others for Cosmo in 2015. She was 26 at the time, her boyfriend, 52. And despite the judgments, they’d managed to make it work, at the time of writing, for five years:

Despite all the love, we’ve been called every name in the book: I must be a gold digger and have daddy issues. He must be a pervert or be very immature to love me. I have been confronted in public a few times, by drunk people at bars who say I’m an embarrassment to my family for loving him. Our own families have spent hours begging us to choose between each other and them. My parents are terrified of the thought that he will pass away around the time they do, and I’ll be left alone. His daughters, whom he had young and are around my age, have a strong loyalty to their mother (his ex-wife) and have struggled to let me in. At times, both of our families have been embarrassed by our relationship. When his daughters’ friends see pictures of me and Tim, his daughters feel the need to explain, “Yes, that’s his girlfriend; yes, she is really young.” We ourselves have been embarrassed too — like one time when a stranger assumed Tim was my dad and we had to correct him.

The woman would go on to say that complicated feelings about their relationship would often come up between the couple when they thought about more serious stages of their relationship. For instance, because his kids were her age, as in grown, he didn’t know if he would want to have another child with her. Still, the writer, who didn’t share her name, said that they’d managed to create a home and a life full of “an abundance of love.” Something they both didn’t think would be possible, neither did his daughter’s believe it, when they initially started dating.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being open to dating an older man with a child in your age group. The guy could be amazing! And his daughter, or children in general, could welcome you with open arms. Or maybe, just maybe, it may not even get that far, and the two of you could just enjoy one another’s company. Get to know each other for a short while and see where things go. Because honestly, it’s not always reasonable to meet someone and immediately start thinking, planning or worrying about your future as a couple. Sometimes it’s fun to just have fun.

But issa no for me dawg…

As always, that’s just my opinion. What say you? Is it petty not to want to date a guy who has children your age? 

Image via Bigstock 

The post Is This Petty? The Guy I’m Interested In Has A Daughter My Age appeared first on MadameNoire.

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DJ Envy: When’s the last time you and the Floacist spoke?

Marsha: The very last day of last year’s reunion tour. We did two years, back to back, of a reunion. On my end it was absolutely to reconcile, forgive, bury the hatchet and clean slate everything with anticipation to possibly move on to further things. The first year that definitely didn’t work out. In good faith, I attempted another time, which was last year. And definitely didn’t work out again.

Why didn’t it work out?

I was looking at the other Breakfast Club interview that I did and that was prior to us reconciling again. And I’m looking at all the answers that I’m giving and I was really skirting around the truth. And the truth is, growing apart is real. And it just happens.

The last thing that was done on that second tour was umm…I found out that I was pregnant week one of that tour. I had no clue, we were just out on the road, did a couple shows in Oakland. Get to L.A. So it was right about show six, show seven and I was like ‘Wow I’m pregnant.’ It’s a high risk pregnancy as told my doctor so I’m already cautious. On a tour bus, there’s a tour bus etiquette anyway. If I’m vocally going for blood every night, as I did on that tour, I don’t really want any smoking on the bus. I don’t want any smoke on the bus anyway.

So I didn’t disclose that I was pregnant until the last week of the tour because I was so nervous and it was very, very early in the pregnancy. I was like 5-6 weeks when I found out. So by the end of the tour, it was like 10-11 weeks so I’m at that mark where I can tell people now. So I was throwing up on the first row of several crowds and backstage. Thought I was way drunk. At that point I had to disclose like, ‘Look guys I’m not wasted or anything. I’m pregnant.’ And I remember telling her and she said, ‘Oh I kind of figured that. I kind of figured it out on my own. I was like ok. ‘Thanks? You’re welcome?’

Charlamagne: She didn’t tell you congratulations or nothing?

Marsha: No. No. I left that at that. I’m like ‘Ok no congrats,’ I’ll leave that be. Eventually congratulations came into order. But then the last day of the tour, myself and my fiancé are on one side of the tour bus, her then manager—which he actually fired her— is sitting opposite me and umm…sniffs ‘What’s that smell? Wow, really?’ Smoking at the back of the bus.

And I was like that’s the nail in the coffin. That’s the closure I needed to affirm that you just won’t be able to get right with me. And that’s not to say that she’s reconciled in her own right whatever truths she’s holding, whatever it was for her. But I must be a trigger for whatever it was for her. So we’ll just never be good. We’ll never be cool because she’ll never be there for me, like a friend should be. I’m a loyal Leo to the very end so I was just expecting all love.

DJ Envy: You couldn’t just do it for business like groups like New Edition?

Marsha: I wish. But sometimes there isn’t a penny worth the bullshit. I did two tours back to back for fans.

Charlamagne: What happened the first year?

Marsha: Ah ha! Met my fiancé the first year. We didn’t know each other at all. He’d been employed by my management to take care of the other half of Floetry stuff. Cuz we were traveling separately. We hadn’t spoken in seven years so we we’re not going to travel together, we’re not going to force anything. So he was kind of taking care of her stuff. So granted, we hadn’t spoken in three weeks, me and my fiancé, and the band had this app called Zello. Remember Sprint chirp phones so when you used to send the message, it would come up on your phone as a voice note. So granted, we’re sitting there, his phone is on the table, we’re at a diner chucking it up and on the loud speaker, ‘Yo Dez you ain’t f*ck yet?’

So I’m like, ‘Um…no, please let it play. Cuz I’m a ball player first. I’ve done locker room talk I can handle that. Another band member chimes in, ‘You ain’t pop yet. You know she f*cked everybody in Philly.’

I’m like ‘Wow. My pussy is legendary.’ I’m trying to figure out all these Philly people I f*cked. And then another chimes in and it’s her. ‘Yeah Dez.’ I can’t make this up. And it’s messed up. She just co-signed. It didn’t even matter at that point, it was cosigning everyone else’s lies.

Once again, affirmation. If someone shows who they are, believe them, believe em, believe em, believe em every time. But then I had to get on stage with these people. I’m looking at these band members and I couldn’t hold them to fault. I’m supposed to be locker room talk. Guys are going to be guys so I can let that slide.  But her? Nah, not so much. You don’t ride for me like that. So I still got on stage every night for the fan and did what I had to do. The best voice note on that app was like, ‘Wow Zello is gonna get somebody fired.’ It did.

Charlamagne: Was she this petty in ’06 when y’all broke up?

Marsha: Possibly. We both were in our own ways. But there were certain things that were happening that got out of hand. She was in a serious relationship and the guy was very, very off, abusive both verbally, emotionally. And it’s hard to watch your friend go through that sh*t. So if I’m your homie and I’m like ‘Yo, you need to get out.’ And she’s dang near suicidal, I can’t ride with you when you want actually jump off the edge of a cliff and then be guilt ridden into not jumping with you. So all of this was too loyal, loyal to a fault where it’s ‘Ok, don’t tell my parents. Don’t tell my friends. So I had to harbor on to all of that. It’s just baggage. The rumors that were flying around what was happening was better than what was going on. I can take people saying that we were lesbians. That’s absolutely not true. What was actually going on was way worse to me. I never wanted to say until none of that mattered anymore— because according to her, our manager was overzealous, he wanted me to go solo. At one point she said that he blacklisted her from the United States. She couldn’t work here anymore because she couldn’t get booked. At sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re not getting booked. I lived in Philly for 17 years, the Roots have never booked me for the Roots Picnic. Sometimes you’re just not going to get booked and that’s ok. You have to get in where you fit in.

By the time the Floetry reunion came about, everyone had already picked sides. So it’s just like you just knew that you were never going to see me again. So all of the whispers, all of the over exaggerations of what the story is over here, there’s one over here too. There’s two sides to every story and then there’s facts. And what happened when I first met my fiancé and what happened on the tour bus are facts.

The tour was absolutely successful in its own right but it had to stop there and that was unfair. Her manager was so embarrassed. There’s no moving forward and there’s nothing that we can do. And at that point, especially being pregnant and having forgiven myself for the part that I played in all of it, and the fact that I attempted to reconcile twice, I only got blessed because of that. I wouldn’t have met fiancé if it wasn’t for that. I’m a wife to be and I have a baby now. When it came to the smoking on the bus and all the things said, it was enough. I don’t even want to see your face, I don’t want to hear your voice. I was nervous as hell. First time mother, I don’t want any negative energy whatsoever.

Her manager was someone I was involved with back in the UK. And back then, I’d gotten pregnant early. I was 21-22, right before I came out here. And she knew this. I ended up having a miscarriage. She knew this. And years later I would find out that she appointed him, of all people, as her manager. So me holding on to all of those thoughts and feelings, I was just like you are just the pettiest of all time. And learning years later, she would tell me, ‘I had a miscarriage too.’ And I had empathy for that. And years later, she would tell me she lied about that.

Charlamagne: Who is this woman?

Marsha: It’s not about who is this woman, it’s about…

DJ Envy: …why Floetry will never happen again.

Marsha: …So I’m not faulting anything that helped create the music.

Charlamagne: Anything else you need to get off your chest?

Marsha: Pray for her and wish her nothing but the best. And it’s ok to leave it at that.

Charlamagne: You tried it again with Amanda Seales…

Marsha: I spoke about this yesterday with Sway. Now, Amanda Seales, I want to say sorry to you. because I never…well I can’t say I never. But it was a lot of hands in that to make the situation what it was. You know I tried to fight her. I was going to fight her in Atlanta at the Ritz Carlton. She was getting frustrated. The other girl in Floetry had done an interview with Wendy Williams, saying that this was some temporary bullshit. So bullets fly and Amanda calls me in my hotel room and is like, ‘I’m sick of this sh*t. F*ck you.’ Hangs up on me. I had to respect it but I’m mad too. So I’m like, ‘Hold up.’ I called her hotel room, she picks up and I’m like, ‘You just said f*ck you and next door. We’re on the same damn floor!’ So I was banging on her door. We had to get on stage that night so her manager kind of had to diffuse the situation. I’ve never had to or wanted to confront someone to fight so it wasn’t even about her no more. It was about everything, the bullsh*t that was Floetry and the bullsh*t that it turned out to be because I was still signed to the label. And I’m so happy for everything she’s doing now, she’s a hustler.

You can watch the full interview with Marsha in the video below.

The post Marsha Ambrosius Explains Why Floetry Is Forever Finished appeared first on MadameNoire.

A little black girl from the South Side, Chicago & a working class fam grew up to be @MichelleObama. Dreams can come true #CollegeSigningDay pic.twitter.com/EZz3dPuDJW

— Selena Hill (@MsSelenaHill) May 5, 2017

Celebrating this students taking the future by storm. #ReachHigher #collegesigningday pic.twitter.com/f1cvEsaEpc

— Tamron Hall (@tamronhall) May 5, 2017

•Distance will mean so little, because our friendship means so much• #collegesigningday pic.twitter.com/CRQe3AU9yG

— Kristina Morris (@KristinaMarM) May 5, 2017

.@MichelleObama Here I am, gazing at @DukeU's campus, where I'll be heading on a full ride. I'm still proud, still gushing #CollegeSigningDay #Duke2021 " class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" />" class="wp-smiley" style="height: 1em; max-height: 1em;" /> pic.twitter.com/NBA0jGd2O9

— June Eric-Udorie (@juneericudorie) May 5, 2017

Happy to announce that I'm officially an orange(wo)man!!!#GoCuse #CollegeSigningDay #BetterMakeRoom #ReachHigher @MichelleObama pic.twitter.com/1ZQiAD88aQ

— Ashley Natasha ∞ (@Yeahthatsmeh) May 5, 2017

Happy #CollegeSigningDay! Congratulations to the incoming class of #hu21. #bettermakeroom pic.twitter.com/ESMbDfr8Jl

— Howard University (@HowardU) May 5, 2017

Our seniors are celebrating #CollegeSigningDay with pride! @NotreDameofMD @ReachHigher @BetterMakeRoom pic.twitter.com/YvC8qg2ORg

— Building STEPS (@BuildingSTEPS) May 5, 2017

Going to the Hill #PVAMU21 #collegesigningday pic.twitter.com/t8izWnyrKx

— JEREMY (@jdani1117) May 5, 2017

@TSU_NAAEastTN gives props to all #TSU21 students on #CollegeSigningDay! Send us your photographs! @McCluerNorthHS the Stars know what's up! pic.twitter.com/MmK3Yv4vxL

— TSU_Alumni East TN (@TSU_NAAEastTN) April 26, 2017

@Fisk_University #CollegeSigningDay pic.twitter.com/Hz4uXIHB0i

— chief. (@jtmarshall_) April 25, 2017

College Signing Day @SouthwindHS #scscollegebound #collegesigningday pic.twitter.com/bqMG2ghOTs

— SHS_College_Career (@CollegeSHS) May 5, 2017

Came to this country not speaking English now I'm an Act Six scholar, a Dell Scholar and an AVID scholar with a full ride #collegesigningday pic.twitter.com/G2YhLVY4yd

— new account (@ShamsaAhmed99) May 5, 2017

Happy #CollegeSigningDay! #Morehouse21 pic.twitter.com/uiJXJwdRmm

— Morehouse Admissions (@mhouseadmission) May 5, 2017

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May is known as Women’s Health Month, as well as National Physical Fitness and Sports month. In order to celebrate all things health and wellness that have to do with women of color, today we’re launching Fitness Fridays for the month. This section of stories will be focused on Black women who are dedicated fitness enthusiasts and use social media to expand their reach. These women use their platforms and influence to help others embrace the importance of taking care of themselves both inside and out.

We’re starting this series off with Jessamyn Stanley. The Instagram star, a yoga teacher and body positive advocate based out of and from North Carolina, has nearly 300,000 followers on Instagram who follow her “How do I feel?” rather than “How do I look” approach to yoga. Her carefree, safe-space-by-any-means take on the practice has garnered her national attention and support. We had the chance to speak with Stanley at the U by Kotex Locker Room Talk event to launch their new line of hygienic products for women who work out: U by Kotex Fitness (review coming soon!) She’s currently on tour promoting her new book, Every Body Yoga. Check out our conversation about her path to yoga, why it’s important to be a body positive queer advocate as a Black woman from and in the South, and what yoga means to her as someone who doesn’t fit the stereotypical yogi mold.

MadameNoire: What initially attracted you to yoga and how did you get started? 

Jessamyn Stanley: I was really apprehensive about it. I tried it for the first time when I was in high school. Hated it! Had one of the worst experiences. I talk about it in my book, so I won’t tell a lot of details about that. I was like, “I’m not doing this again. I tried it, it’s not for me.” Then when I was in graduate school I was going through a really tough time in general. A bunch of different things were happening. And one of my classmates was like, “Oh my God, try Bikram yoga! You’ll love it.” And I was like, “I’m not doing that. I tried it, it was not for me.” That’s my personality — “I know stuff is not for me.” So whenever people say “I tried yoga once and I hated it” or “I went and I couldn’t get into it,” I feel you. Because I also couldn’t get into it. But she wore me down. They had a Groupon pass so it was one of those, what-do-you-have-to-lose situations? And I loved it! Everything was exactly as it had been before. It was hot as all hell. The poses were impossible to me. But what I didn’t realize in my day-to-day life was that I wasn’t stretching myself outside of my boundaries. I was just like wake up, go to work, go to class. I had the same conversations over and over again, totally not engaged. I was in graduate school studying non-profit arts management. It’s very emotionally draining work. I would put it in the same category as social work where it’s like, you’re working 80-hour weeks to get very little financially out of it. Which isn’t the point, but also, you’re just getting beat down over and over again. The type of non-profit arts management that I was doing was extremely pretentious and elitist. Every day I would wake up like, “Why am I doing this? What is the point of this? It’s just a bunch of people with their heads up their a–es.” So anyway, I was really not engaged. I wasn’t stretching myself. I wasn’t trying. A lot of people are thrown off by yoga in the beginning because it is difficult. And I think that when you hear that something is going to be relaxing and calming, you think you it’s going to be easy. When it’s not you’re like, “What is happening?” It’s like that for a reason. At least in my experience, nothing in this life, nothing that’s good comes without it being difficult. For me, resolving that with the practice has helped me to understand that in life, there are always going to be difficult things. It’s not like, “Oh yeah, I tried some yoga and I never felt depressed!” No, it comes in waves. And so many worse things have happened since that very first thing that got me into it. So for me, it’s the medicine I take that maintains me. It’s not even necessarily about teaching it or sharing it with other people for me. It’s literally the practice I use to maintain myself on a day-to-day basis.

Coming from the South, a conservative state, specifically Durham, why was it so important for you to identify as a body positive queer femme and do so loudly and proudly? 

The interesting thing about Durham is that it is very much an extremely liberal dot in the midst of an extremely red state. Durham was the first place that I lived where I knew queer people. The Greensboro, Winston-Salem area where I’m from, it’s enough to find gay people. So queerness, to have it accepted, made Durham very different from the rest of the state. But also, I just feel like I want to say it: in Durham, it’s not really revolutionary to act the way that I do. Everyone is just living in their truth. It’s very open there, but not representative at all of the state itself. But to me, it’s imperative that people who can stay in red states, who can be out and proud and very loud about their existence, it’s really important to stay in those states. Because anyone can live in a bubble of comfort in New York or in L.A. or whatever, but there’s so much change that needs to happen in these states. Especially because North Carolina is my home state. I love it. I see that it is a really beautiful place. It’s problematic, but this whole f–kin’ place is problematic. So if you stay in it from the perspective of, being in this community is important and I can positively affect other people by staying here, then it’s kind of like a whole other mission. So for me, it’s important to not just be very ‘Oh, look at that!’ A lot of people think I live in New York or think I live in other places and I’m always like, “No, I live in Durham County. I’m from North Carolina.” I hate that people have such a short-sighted view of the state. But there are lots of kinds of people everywhere and visibility is so critical. I just want to help evolve the way people think of Southerners.

What is it that you had to do or that you were receiving, even from family, that helped you gain the sense of self-love that you have? A lot of people preach the importance of it without sharing the routes they took to actually feel it themselves. 

We don’t accept the parts of ourselves that really make us unique. For me, that has been the full, complete changing point. So like, my fatness for example. Really owning that and not saying, “I’m fat, I guess that means I’m stupid. I guess that means I’m ugly.” You know? So it’s like, yeah, “I’m fat. I’m large. What’s wrong with that?” What else can I do because of that? That’s actually why I’m really excited to partner with U by Kotex because this whole campaign is about owning things that you’ve been taught to dislike. For me, owning my fatness has given me so much strength. It’s not something I should have to feel ashamed of and that there’s actually power from. And if I can have that feeling there, that can be translated to other areas as well. So I feel like it’s really about owning the things that you’ve been taught to be ashamed of and then deriving power from them.

And how do you think you came to this point of popularity? Especially in yoga, a practice considered something solely for White folks and hipsters? 

I feel like it’s just representative of so many other things in society, though. The reason my practice became so strong is because I could not afford to practice in studios. They’re so expensive! And I would practice at home. And that really became my safe space. I would go to classes, but I never had the connection I felt at home. And as a result, because I was not really a part of the studio system or establishment, I was doing my own thing. I think because I did not look for acceptance and continue to not look for acceptance, that is appealing to other people. I think they’re like, “If she doesn’t care then maybe I don’t have to care.” But it’s weird though to then become more popular because it’s like, “Y’all were hating 15 minutes ago.” [laughs] There was a reason I felt discriminated against and continue to. I absolutely, to this day, have been to classes where I don’t feel like it’s a safe space. I don’t feel comfortable. There are people body-shaming. The teacher is body shaming, just creating an unsafe space. Because I experienced that, it means I’m very sensitive to it as a teacher, which then means that my class experiences are kind of different from what people are expecting. I think that, you know, it’s really helpful to not buy into everything you’re being sold because then you can see the flaws in it. And I think that I don’t really point to anything different. Because that’s really been the thing that’s gotten me about all of this: There are so many POCs, so many fat POCs who practice yoga and were practicing before I was practicing and were even taking pictures and even putting them up on Instagram before me. So it’s a problem that people think, “Wow! Look at that one Black girl who’s out here! That one fat, Black girl!” We’re all already out here. And I think that for me, increasing that visibility is important, and to also encourage other people who feel like they lie on the outskirts to be like, “No!” Own whatever it is you think makes you different and then show up to this practice. Because all of the rules that we have about it are just based out of White, patriarchal standards of selling things. And now they’re tapping into it in a different way because they’re like, “Oh sh-t, we’ve been missing out on fat, Black girl money!” [laughs] They’re just going to follow whatever we’re doing. So if you just lean into what makes you different instead of trying to make that thing be the same as everyone else, that’s your sweet spot. That’s your power spot.

At this point, why do you still do yoga? I think fitness is thought of in a precontemplation, contemplation, active, and then maintenance standpoint, but not so much from the angle of how it enriches us. So what keeps you “in love with yoga”?

In my mind, the purpose behind fitness is to keep you at a peak point of health. And so often we associate fitness with looking a certain way, so when we talk about maintenance it’s so that you can maintain the way that your body looks. That’s such a short-sighted way of seeing life. Is everything about your existence boiled down to whether or not someone wants to have sex with you? What is that? It blows my mind that that’s how people look at this. Yeah, yoga has fitness elements, but the reality is that yoga is not fitness. It’s a spiritual life. And I know you say “spirituality” and everyone wants to have their opinion about it, maybe you’re religious, maybe you’re not — but there is a religious connection between all living beings. Yoga is one of the ways humans have, for centuries, come back to that reality. Because all of these boxes we live in, all of this fake sh-t, is not real. This is the way humans have tried to process that which can not be processed. So it’s really important for me. The reality of fitness is that there will always be a new trend. There will always be a million ways to get fit. If you want to lose weight, you need to work on nutrition, not worry so much about this stuff. All of these things are very much superficial though. They can be good for your overall health, but they’re very superficial. But to tap into that which is larger than us, is imperative. If you care about your soul, then you want to care about maintaining it. So I always think of my practice as brushing my teeth. The same way that I wouldn’t forget to brush my teeth, I wouldn’t want to forget to cleanse my soul and to take care of that. Because that’s what’s going to be here when all of these boxes are gone.

The post Fitness Fridays: Jessamyn Stanley Went From Being Body-Shamed In Yoga Classes To Being The Face Of The Practice appeared first on MadameNoire.

As much as I adore my older sister, she has a bad habit that I absolutely can’t stand. Now most things I’ll let slide, even when I find myself annoyed, but every time she does this one thing I have to shut her all the way down. And that’s because whether we find ourselves sitting in rush hour traffic next to a guy blasting MC Hammer’s “Pumps And A Bump” like it didn’t go double paperclips or for some reason Queen Sugar decides to air one whole episode where Kofi Siriboe doesn’t go shirtless, my sister will utter two words that I want to completely erase from her vocabulary: I’m sorry. She’s an apologizer. Someone who subconsciously believes she is responsible for guaranteeing everyone convenience, happiness and amusement at all times. And when the normal annoyances of each day manage to frustrate those she cares about (and sometimes total strangers she has no obligation to) my sister will send a message that implies it was somehow her fault or that she could’ve prevented it.

I was reminded of just how much of an issue this seems to be particularly for women after reading an article published on Scary Mommy titled, “I Am Teaching My Daughter That She Does Not Have To Be ‘Sorry’ All The Time”.  In the article, author Heather Rice explains how she began to notice traits of perfectionism and people-pleasing in her 7-year-old daughter from her throwing a fit over a toy construction set that failed to resemble the perfect model on the box to a time where they made muffins together and the little girl felt the need to apologize for them not being identical. In one sentence, Rice explains how we sometimes subconsciously socialize girls to put their own comfort to the side for the personal interests of the group:

“But the constant apologizing for herself or for others for whom she is not responsible, for the space she occupies to be, to breathe, to exist — reflexively like punctuation in a sentence — it is a distinctly female ritual. Her brothers don’t do it. Neither does her father. Unfortunately, she learned it from me.”

Now my mother was never one to do much apologizing. In fact, I always say “Ms. Ros” is strictly yell first, ask questions later, so I’m not exactly sure that my sister inherited this Justin Bieber lyric lifestyle from our parents, but on occasion I have found myself slipping the s-word to a co-worker who wasn’t able to send a fax like I’m the CEO of Brother Printers. As someone who most days likes to see things work out for strangers and those I care about alike, I think on some level I may have thought that “I’m sorry” somehow would serve as an apology when the actual person that owed it didn’t or couldn’t offer it. For me “I’m sorry” was a quick band-aid you could slap on an awkward situation to make it disappear. What I quickly learned is that the weight of the world cannot and should not be on my shoulders and that in a world where folks are already desperate for someone to place blame on, I didn’t need to be the martyr attaching myself to the sucky hand they may have been dealt for the day.

Furthermore, there are things that I am honestly not sorry for and shouldn’t be. We’ve all heard the conversations about women being socialized to be meek and subservient. Even Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, gave a whole talk about the unfortunate social norm of women apologizing every time they aren’t available, agreeable or willing to compromise. When men are the same way they are “confident, steadfast, determined” while women are labeled as “pushy, bitchy, loudmouths”.

I must say that the person who taught me the most about not apologizing for having boundaries, not being available and not making things convenient for others is my husband. Even employed in an industry where his customers directly affect his paycheck I have heard him be fair but honest right down to him saying, “Ma’am, I understand that you don’t get off work until 9:00 at night, but I too have a family and other obligations and cannot come to your home to replace your water heater at that time. If that doesn’t work for you, you might need to see a contractor that can accommodate your schedule.” Because the fact is, your personal comfort and convenience matters, and anyone who can’t respect should be the one apologizing.

Rice goes on to explain the urge to apologize isn’t necessarily a negative trait because it shows a person that’s willing to take accountability and resolve conflict if it means making progress, but that doesn’t mean your daughter should be anyone’s doormat:

“I am raising a young woman who seeks peace and resolution and is willing to face blame fearlessly, take responsibility, and when necessary, apologize. When or if you are the party who is wrong in a relationship or at work, or wherever, these are great, mature traits to have. Huge caveat here: when you are actually at fault.”

She also goes on to explain that her first step in getting her child to stop throwing the “sorry confetti” was to change her own behavior and set a different example:

“My job as her mother is to teach her not to assume fault that isn’t hers, and furthermore, how to avoid accepting blame or shame from those who are threatened by her very presence, her intelligence, her strength, her beauty, or her bright light.”

So even as I start to steer my two-year-old through the streets of social interaction and manners, I’ll admit that “please” and “thank you” are on regular rotation at my house, but “I’m sorry”? Not so much. This is not a 90’s R&B video. There is no rain or pleather jumpsuits. No one cheated. No one lied. And we will not begin the bad habit of apologizing for things that are not our fault.

Toya Sharee is a Health Resource Specialist who has a  passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about  everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.

The post Sorry…Not Sorry: Do You Apologize For Every Damn Thing? appeared first on MadameNoire.

It’s been 23 years since the world was introduced to the funky hip-hop sounds of Outkast through their 1994 debut album, Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik. 

After fans kept hope for a reunion, or even a new album, after last year’s One Music Fest that brought the entire Dungeon Family together, the duo has something planned that’s even better. Two years ago, Big Boi told fans to “stay tuned” for a biopic, and apparently it’s actually happening.

In a recent interview with HipHopDX, Big Boi revealed that Outkast is preparing to take their lives to the screen. “Me and [André 3000] just spoke about it last week when I was in New York. I think he might have been taking a couple meetings talking to people,” Big Boi shared.

While the details of who would be behind the biopic were minimal, he did highlight producer and director Lee Daniels. “I got a couple of people in mind that I’ma talk to, one of them being Lee Daniels who I just did the TV show Star with. So yeah, all that’s coming, and we just know it’s time to do it. It’s coming,” he continued.

As far as actors, Big Boi has his eyes set on his own son playing him, similar to Ice Cube and his son O’Shea Jr. in Straight Outta Compton. “Sh**, I don’t know, maybe one of my sons could do it cause they look exactly like me and they know all the words to all the raps. So they probably could pull it off, and they know me,” he explained. “So I may have to do the Cube move and pick one of my sons to play me.”

After the success of biopics like BET’s The New Edition Story, more and more veteran acts are cuddling up to the idea of gifting their fans with biographical pictures. We’re definitely not mad at this one!

The post According To Big Boi, An Outkast Biopic Is On The Way appeared first on MadameNoire.

What I’ve learned from Rei Kawakubo, is the element of surprise! Thank you @jourdandunn for allowing me to create the unexpected! #UrsieOnHair #MetGala #CommedesGarcons #HM

A post shared by Ursula Stephen (@ursulastephen) on May 2, 2017 at 9:09am PDT

This year’s Met Gala was filled with tons of memorable hair and beauty moments. Beyond Zoe Kravitz’s platinum cropped coif, model Jourdan Dunn’s effortless hair slay look topped our list.

Styled by celebrity stylist Ursula Stephen, who has worked with the likes of Rihanna and Mary J. Blige, Dunn’s blunt cunt ponytail was epic for more than one reason. Sure, she looked fabulous, but the style is one we all can recreate at home.

Following the night’s Comme des Garçons theme, Stephen’s made sure Dunn’s ‘do “emphasized texture and shape with a hint of Japanese inspiration.”

“When creating Jourdan’s hairstyle, I wanted to pay homage to the element of surprise that comes with every Comme des Garçons piece. Rei can take something as simple as a turtleneck and add a huge bow in the back to take it to another level. Jourdan’s look tonight plays on this as a clean and classic look with a surprise in the back.”

To create the look, Ursula shared what products she used: Suave Professionals Avocado + Olive Oil Shampoo & Conditioner ($3.49) to prep Jourdan’s hair; sprayed Dove Absolute Curls Leave-in Detangler ($5.99) throughout hair “for nourishment and shine”; and ended with Suave Professionals Luxe Style Infusion Weather Proof Cream ($3.50) to smooth and protect hair from heat before drying.

💇🏾💇🏾💇🏾#MetGala #UrsieOnHair

A post shared by Ursula Stephen (@ursulastephen) on May 1, 2017 at 5:01pm PDT

After completing the aforementioned steps and making sure her hair was completely dry, Stephen flat-ironed Dunn’s hair bone straight and put it into a ponytail, adding synthetic braiding hair for body and length. “For the striking, blunt look” said Ursula, “I cut the synthetic hair in a straight line across the back of her head to line up with the top of her shoulders.” She finished off the look with Suave Professionals Luxe Style Infusion Anti-Humidity Spray ($3.99).

The post Here’s How You Can Get Jourdan Dunn’s Met Gala Ponytail appeared first on MadameNoire.

Just last summer, soul chanteuse Jhene Aiko teamed up with the ultimate active lifestyle brand, Teva, creating some of the coolest sandals for gals that aren’t too keen on compromising comfortability for style.

“I personally got into them like a few years ago when I was in Hawaii planning a hiking trip. I knew that I was gonna be like, getting my feet wet and I knew that I wanted to be comfortable and safe, while I was hiking,” she told Essence.” “I went into a store the salesperson showed me to the Tevas. I tried them on and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, perfect.'”

From there, the love affair began, as Aiko, a self-proclaimed wanderlust enjoyed that “they were all about exploring and getting out there, just being one with nature and just always being ready for an adventure.”

Now, right in time for the warmer months, Aiko’s second collaboration, which debuted May 2, is garnering lots of attention.

“It pretty much embodies just discovering, transforming and looking on the brighter side of things,” she shared. “I just feel like everything this year that I’m going to be putting out is just really all about taking the time to listen to yourself, discover new things about yourself and taking a trip through your different layers so that the person that you’re presenting to the world is the true you. And so that we can really connect to each other’s authentic self.”

Jhene’s new Teva collection starts at just $75 and is available here.

The post Take A Look At Jhene Aiko’s New Collaboration With Teva appeared first on MadameNoire.

BECAUSE WE ARE ALL WORTH IT #balmainxloreal #comingsoon #becauseweworthit

A post shared by OLIVIER R. (@olivier_rousteing) on May 3, 2017 at 10:01am PDT

For those vying to covet Balmain, we’ve got a cost-efficient solution that’s going to blow your mind: a lipstick collaboration.

Yes, you heard right. Balmain designer Olivier Rousting recently announced that the popular high fashion label is collaborating with L’Oréal Paris, Paris Fashion Week’s newest sponsor, to design a line of lipsticks. The line will include three special lipsticks and a “jewel edition” that will be sold at Balmain boutiques.

“L’Oréal Paris and Balmain share the same strong vision of femininity and the same goal, to empower women and offer them diverse ways to express themselves,” Rousting said.

BECAUSE WE ALL WORTH IT #balmainxloreal Coming soon…

A post shared by OLIVIER R. (@olivier_rousteing) on May 3, 2017 at 12:25pm PDT

Rousting, who is known for being quite hands-on in every project Balmain takes on, has helped with everything like the packaging design, ad campaign, and shade selection for its Color Riche lipstick, reports WWD.

The collaboration line is said to revealed this coming Paris Fashion Week in late September

The post A Balmain x L’Oréal Paris Lipstick Collaboration Is Happening appeared first on MadameNoire.

If you’re familiar with actress Jurnee Smollett-Bell, you know the Underground actress often uses her voice and platform to speak up and spread awareness about injustice and discrimination, particularly on instances such as police brutality. The mother of 5-month-old son, Hunter whom she had in November 2016 with husband, singer Josiah Bell recently sat down with Romper to discuss how motherhood may have changed her views on certain social issues.

Smollett-Bell recalls a moment of activism during the George Zimmerman trial that she says may have been fueled by a fear that the black men in her life that she loves may meet the same fate as Trayvon Martin, the 17-year-old that was fatally shot by Zimmerman while visiting a gated community:

“Before being a mom, I remember going on a Twitter rant during the whole George Zimmerman trial in Florida about my younger brothers and how one day I’ll be the mom of a black son.”

She says motherhood and now seeing her son has changed that fear into motivation to raise him to be the best person he can be, despite the negativity in the world that may come his way:

“I don’t want anyone to steal his joy.”

“I just want to raise him to walk in his purpose. To be unapologetically who he is and to embrace all that he is.”

Smollett-Bell tries to take an honest approach to the fact that black men in America have the cards stacked against them at the moment and takes into account that her son faces a future where he will be watched a little more closely in stores than his white counterparts in a country where he will almost always be feared before he’s respected. But she says that the ignorance of a few is no reason for her son to settle to be treated any kind of way:

“I won’t even give into that notion, because I believe there are so many amazing people in this world.”

“I see the movement happening all across the world, where people of all walks of life are coming together and supporting each other, and feel called to action. It inspires me. It gives me so much hope about the future. So I am not afraid at all.”

That hope is also what inspired Smollett-Bell to participate in “Mama Said”, a short film from the retailer Gap which celebrates motherhood and explores what it means to be a mom to women like Liv Tyler and Coco Rocha. The short film serves as both and advertisement for the clothing company and a call to action for Every Mother Counts, a non-profit organization dedicated to making pregnancy and childbirth safe for every mother.

Smollett-Bell says in addition to access to proper healthcare, what mothers also need is a strong support system, especially from other moms:

“I thought it was such a beautiful project. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get access to safe and healthy health care.”

“I just think more than ever we have to support women, and we have to support mothers across the world.”

In a time where women’s healthcare doesn’t seem to be much of a political priority, the actress says it’s important to remain positive:

“We’re living in such tough times where we need to really focus on the positivity. We have to focus on the empowerment. We have to focus our energies on loving each other and lifting each other up.”

Smollett-Bell says pregnancy and motherhood has given her a newfound source of strength and motivation to be an example to other women and baby Hunter that you can have it all: career, love and happiness. She was pregnant while filming the second season of Underground and shared that shooting during her second and third trimester was just as empowering as it was exhausting:

“There’s this notion, kind of like unspoken, that you can’t live your dreams and be a mom. You can’t have a career and be a mom. There’s still that preconceived notion, and I reject that.”

We’re looking forward to witnessing Smollett-Bell’s growth as a woman, wife and mother and it seems like she’s got the right attitude already.

You can read the interview in its entirety here and check out her appearance in “Mama Said” below:

The post “I Just Want To Raise Him To Walk In His Purpose.” Jurnee Smollett-Bell Talks Black Boy Joy and Motherhood appeared first on MadameNoire.